Author: Catherine Geise
We’ve all been there: seated at our computers and staring at a resume template, slowly realizing our irrelevance without ten years of experience, a CEO reference, and a pet unicorn that sneezes Skittles. It usually triggers some kind of existential crisis, only resolved by exaggerating the past experience we actually have. Having one bake sale in high school totally counts as “Philanthropy Coordinator,” right? Maybe not, but here are eight skills we think do deserve a spot on our resumes.
1. Expert Text Decoder
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Review texts received by peers as needed. Critically analyze grammar, syntax, and diction to understand underlying meaning of messages. Communicate conclusions clearly and succinctly. Provide emotional support as needed.
2. Competitive Netflix Marathoner
Critically and carefully select shows suitable to be watched over a minimum six-hour period. Coordinate audience, location, and refreshments throughout the marathon to ensure maximum enjoyment.
3. Professional Napper
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Formulate nap timing and techniques to fall asleep under a variety of conditions including, but not limited to, strong lighting, upright positions, and loud music. Optimize in order to wake up refreshed, not cranky. Strategize caffeine dosage.
4. Family of Four Impersonator
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Calculate, accurately measure, and promptly ignore serving suggestion to ensure consumption of four times the amount recommended for one person. Repeat until four-person status achieved.
5. Music Curator
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Decide on optimal music provider (iTunes, Spotify, Pandora, etc.). Create playlists for a variety of moods including party, chill, and study. Send, share, and DJ when necessary.
6. Expert Procrastinator
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Determine length of time required to complete assignments and calculate to allow two-thirds of that duration. Consistently begin projects at the last possible minute and stress until their completion. Curate skills and techniques required to remain awake for twenty-four hours or longer.
7. Heavy Sarcasm Distributor
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Ready to deliver snarky comments, witty captions, exaggerated stories, and key facial expressions at all times. Ensure that normal tone of voice is consistent with sarcastic tone of voice. Confuse peers with wit and irony regularly.
8. Resident Bug Remover
Answer helpless screams in a timely manner. Prepare for and address complications as they arise. Experienced in various forms of bug removal (RAID, shoe, newspaper, etc.) and technique execution.
We don’t know about future employers, but we would certainly be impressed by any candidate who possessed these important life skills. After all, it’s a hard fact that every team requires a Resident Bug Remover to run efficiently–Slope Media is no exception.
