Author: Catherine Giese
Cornell’s education is valuable, but it comes at a steep price for both our wallets and our sanity. There’s always that one class (or three) that makes you question if you’ll actually come back next semester. Even though failing out may seem like the end of the world, it is important to remember that there is no singular path to success. If after your first wave of prelims you feel that the end of your time here is close to the end, don’t fear–just consider one of these alternate futures.
1. Organic Farmer
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Since you’re a Cornell student, you’re probably into the Ithaca Farmers’ Market. Why not try it from the other side? Pierce your nose, obtain a headscarf, stop washing your hair, and start growing your own organic kale to sell at an exorbitant price. As an additional business venture, start making your own vegan cheese spread. Call it “True Earth Natural Origins Vegan Gluten-Free Dairy-Free Flavor-Free Alternative Cheese Spread.”
2. Truck Driver
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Start by changing your name to Butch, Norman, Sue, or Edna, and styling an open button-down over a plain white tee and faded work jeans. Find a partner with an unstable personality and hit the open roads. There’s really no better way to see the country and experience sketchy roadside diners in all their greasy, home-fried glory.
3. Exotic Dancer
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Not only will you get some amazing abs from dancing on a pole, but this career pays in cash. You know what that means–tax evasion! Unfortunately, you won’t be able to evade overly enthusiastic clients, but every job has its flaws. Plus, you get to call yourself Cherry Sparkle, so who’s the real winner here?
4. Starving Artist
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You don’t have to be any good at art. Just fill an apartment with dead fish or even nothing at all (no really, this is a thing) and discuss the meaninglessness of a consumer-driven life from behind a pair of horn-rimmed glasses. If crafting is more your style, obtain an unhealthy amount of glitter and start an Etsy shop.
5. Professional Eater
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No, this is not what you do while you stress over exams. This requires training and dedication. Not only must you strengthen your jaw and expand your stomach, but you must learn to consume the amount of calories sufficient to feed a small African village in ten minutes or less.
6. Clown
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Do you enjoy making children cry and being the subject of adult nightmares? Then clowning is the career for you! Acquire facepaint, a colorful costume, balloon animals and some bad jokes and you’re ready to freelance. If you need a little more structure, join the circus and scar people nationwide.
7. Nature Enthusiast
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Pull a Henry David Thoreau and hide in the woods for a couple years. Become self-sufficient, learn which mushrooms are poisonous, and ponder the metaphorical significance of trees in your free time. Carve notches to keep track of the days, then write a bestseller once you find yourself.
We’d be lying if we said we haven’t considered every one of these possible futures during prelim (read: mental breakdown) season. But your chances of actual failure are pretty slim–if you get off Slope and stop procrastinating, that is. We get that we’re distractingly hilarious, but seriously, go do your work.
