By: Morgan Miller and Dani Kellner

In an exclusive interview with Slope Media Group, Cornell’s chief trustee, Happy Dave from Okenshields, revealed the board’s top picks for Skorton’s replacement. We can’t say we’re disappointed by these responsible, business-savvy choices.

1. Kris Jenner: Brace yourselves Cornellians, she would momager the shit out of this campus, and profit off the promiscuity that Collegetown sees every weekend (just ask Kim).

   

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2. Kanye West: “Yo Skorton, Imma let you finish, but I’m gonna be the best President of ALL TIME.”  Direct quote.

   

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3. Justin Bieber

   

   people.com

4. Miley Cyrus:  She came in like a wrecking ball, which also explains all the construction on this campus…

   

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5. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler: No explanation needed.

   

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6. Prince William and Duchess Kate: Let’s be real, they’re not taking over for Queen Elizabeth any time soon! We will also accept Prince Harry.

   

   marieclaire.com

7. Oprah: “I LOVE CORNELL-ELLLLLL!”

   

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8. John Travolta: “I am so honored to be the next President of Conal Shunter!” Wait, that’s not right…

   

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9. Adam Levine: Who wouldn’t want the sexiest man alive in charge? To prove my point, here is a picture of Adam with a puppy.

   

   nydailynews.com

10. Queen B: Beyonce sneezed on Cornell and the school got sicker.

    

    poemsandnovels.blogspot.com

    Okay, now start panicking…