Despite what we see on TV and in the movies, sex is often awkward, messy, and embarrassing. Real people don't get the luxury of special lighting, scripts, re-takes, or a professional stylist to color-coordinate our bras and panties. Many times, sex in real-life is an improvisational, trial-and-error experiment. With so many variables to work with (different people, positions, places, etc.) sex has the potential to blow up in our faces (no sexual pun intended), which means that a sexy, steamy moment can quickly become so mortifyingly repugnant that both parties wish to forget it as soon as possible.

As much as I pride myself on my sexual prowess, I too have fallen victim to several awkward/embarrassing/strange/scary sexual experiences, which I like to refer to as "OoPs moments". Although horrifying at the time, these instances have now become learning experiences and comical fodder for my everyday life. Thus, I wish to share some of the most humiliating, unusual, painful, compromising, and stomach-churning OoPs moments I've either heard from friends or personally faced over the years. Whether your parents walked in on you sucking your boyfriend's weiner, or you had sex without shaving your bush for a month, know that you're not alone. We've all been there...and some of us, unfortunately, have had it worse than others.

OoPs Moment #1: Penny Pinching

My ex-boyfriend used to keep a jar of spare change on a shelf above the headboard on his bed. Because his parents were always home and the walls are paper thin, we rarely had sex in his room. One day, however, his parents and siblings were out of the house and we decided to take advantage by having rough, loud sex on his bed. As my ex mercilessly pounded away at my recently de-virginized vagina, the bed inched closer and closer to the wall, until it was banging directly against it. Right as he was about to finish, the aforementioned change jar suddenly came crashing down from the shelf, hitting me hard in the face. My ex burst out laughing, and I sat there, bleeding from the nose, covered in pennies, with tears streaming down my face. After the bleeding stopped, I realized the jar had also chipped my front tooth. Try explaining THAT to your dentist.

OoPs Moment #2: Bloody Hell

When I was sixteen, I started hooking up with a twenty-two year old named Dan* who didn't have his license (...I really knew how to pick 'em then). As a result, we often made plans to hang-out weeks in advance, since it required going behind my parents' backs, sneaking out of the house, and taking a 30-minute cab ride to his place. One month we scheduled a secret rendezvous on a weekend that I knew my parents would be out of town. As the date approached, however, I discovered I had severely miscalculated the timing of my period. Determined to see Dan, I decided not to cancel, but instead try to wait it out. Luckily, on the morning of our date, it appeared my period had disappeared.

A few hours later, and all according to plan, I found myself naked on Dan's bed. After some casual foreplay, he slipped his penis inside me, and started talking dirty.

"Fuck...you're so wet."

As he thrusted in and out, he slipped a hand beneath me and started rubbing my clit.

"Fuck...Samantha...you're really, really wet," he said.

"Oh yeah? Is that what you like?" I asked in my sexy voice.

"Yeah, but, like....you're REALLY wet. Wait a second..."

Dan reached over and turned on his beside lamp, and we immediately gasped in shock. We were both covered in period blood, as if we had just murdered a small animal with our bare hands. It was on our stomachs, fingers, and ALL over my vag and his penis. I was mortified. Attempting to make the situation less disgusting, I laughed nervously and suggested we go take a shower. Dan's eyes, however, became wide and glossy and his skin turned ghostly pale.

"Are you ok? Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I swear this never happens."

"Yeah...yeah...I just...don't like...blood," he answered, his voice shaking.

"I know, me either. Hold on I'm gunna get us a towel."

I walked into the bathroom and started cleaning myself up. Suddenly, I heard a loud banging on the door.

"One sec, babe, I'm washing up."

"SAMANTHA. OPEN THE DOOR. NOW."

"Huh?" I said, unhooking the latch.

Pushing me aside, Dan burst through the door, still covered in blood, hands over his mouth, and ran to the toilet. Rather than getting laid, I spent the rest of the night cleaning up my blood and his vomit.

OoPs Moment #3: Rocket Power

During shower sex, my ex-boyfriend asked to do me from behind. Due to the angle of my body, the frequency with which he was humping me, and the water streaming down from above, I accidentally queefed. Really loudly. When my ex was finally done laughing, he informed me that he actually witnessed water spew out of me "like a rocket" when it happened. FML.

OoPs Moment #4: THAT'S What It Looks Like?

A friend of mine told me that the first penis she ever saw was owned by the same guy who took her virginity. It was only when they broke up and she started seeing other people that she realized the first guy was actually uncircumcised.

OoPs Moment #5: My Get Lucky Undies

I used to have a pair of panties I called my "get lucky" undies. They were pink and lacy and whenever I wore them, I somehow ended up getting laid. One night, I wore them out to a bar and, surprise-surprise, ended up taking a rando home. Once back at my place, I climbed on top of him and begin sexily taking off my clothes. It soon became clear, however, that the position I was in made it quite difficult to get any clothing off past my ankles. In an effort to help me out, the rando tried scooting his body further onto the bed to make room for my knees. During this transition, however, one of my legs accidentally slipped off the bed, causing my favorite pair of underwear, which was tangled around my calves, to rip in half.

OoPs Moment #6: Did You Do Something To Your Hair?

A few weeks ago, my boyfriend came over on a school night and I ended up sucking his dick. Forgetting the cardinal rule of blow-jobbing, I forgot to pull my hair back, and it repeatedly got in the way of my technique. Not wanting to stop, however, I tried pushing it behind my ears, but a few stray strands managed to escape. Luckily, he came quickly, and I was able to fit some cuddling time in before kicking him out so I could get to bed.

The next morning, my alarm went off and I jumped out of bed, only to realize I had set my clock wrong and was running late. Frantically, I pulled on a sweatshirt, threw my hair into a messy bun, and ran to class. It was only after I stopped in the bathroom at the end of the day that I realized there was visible dried-cum in my hair.

OoPs Moment #7: Deep Throat

A friend of mine has a very sensitive gag-reflex. One time, a guy she was hooking up with asked her to deep throat his dick. In a futile attempt to defy nature and be sexy, she tried. The result: she ended up puking all over his dick.

OoPs Moment #8: She Likes It Rough

Another friend of mine really enjoys rough sex. One time, she decided it would be sexy to slap her sex partner around a bit. She got a bit carried away, however, and ended up punching him in the face, leading to a very unsexy bloody nose.

OoPs Moment #9: Basement Booty

When I was in high school, I decided to sneak a boy into my house for a booty call. The problem was, however, that my room is right next to my parents' room, and I was afraid they would hear us. I decided my best bet was to take him into my unfinished basement, which was under construction at the time. I quickly discovered that there was actually no space for us to lay down, since all the furniture had been moved for the construction. Desperate to have sex with one another, we ended up fucking on the cold, cement floor. We kept having to stop and change positions, however, so one person wasn't on the bottom the entire time. Despite all our efforts, we still ended up covered in cuts and bruises. The next morning at breakfast, after my conquest had successfully snuck out the back door, my mother warned me to stay out of the basement that day because the people she hired were coming to put the new carpet down.

OoPs Moment #10: Choking Hazard

A few months after I got my nipples pierced, I decided to change the original barbell to a hoop. When I tried to screw the end-pieces on, however, I found myself unable to do so because they were so tiny. After about an hour of trying, I decided to just leave the hoop in by itself and hope it didn't fall out.

That night, however, I ended up taking a guy home from a party. After discovering my piercings, he decided to give my nipples extra attention. Unfortunately, I completely forgot about my precarious nipple ring, and he ended up accidentally swallowing it.

OoPs Moment #11: He Can't Tell The Difference

A friend of mine used to date a guy who thought queefing was sexy. Fortunately for him, my friend knows how to queef on command. One time, he asked her to queef while he fucked her on her side. The position, however, was not conducive for queefing, and in her struggle to make it happen, she accidentally farted. Good thing he couldn't tell the difference.

If you would like to share your own crazy/awkward OoPs moment, please feel free to comment on this post.  :)