One day when I was visiting my ex-beau, we were sitting on his bed making out. Just when things started to get pretty heated, he pulls away and gives me this mischievous look. "I have an idea" he says. Normally, I'm down for experimenting and I can get into some pretty kinky shit. Before I even had time to answer, he said, "I'll be right back" and he left me half naked sprawled across his bed. Within a few minutes he returns, same impish look on his face with his hands behind his back. "Close your eyes" he demands. Now of course I trusted the dude, he was after all my boyfriend. I figured anything he had behind his back couldn't be that bad. Right? Right? WRONG. Like a gullible12-year-old I laid their waiting for whatever he had up his sleeve. I felt him sit on the bed next to my now completely naked body and he put his hand between my legs gently prying them apart as to expose all my goodies. My whole body quivered with hesitant anticipation. Next thing I know, there is a shockingly cold sensation sending shivers up my pelvic region. My body tightened and my eyes flew open eager to see what was causing the goosebumps on my 'vulval lips.' I prop myself on my elbows and peer down between my legs where my ex had a determined look on his face as if he were about to perform surgery. Umm?? I looked beyond his fat head to see what was down there....LO AND BEHOLD, a full grown, whole cucumber was making its way into my womanhood. Yes, that's right. A cucumber. Gives a whole new meaning to "tossing salad" vagina style. My genius of an ex decided that he'd like to see a foreign object pleasure me.

My first reaction? "RYAN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

"Come on," he says, "Let's just try it, please." Being as lovesick as I was and seeing as how I'm the type of girl to go to great lengths to please my man, I let him proceed. I coudln't bear to watch as one of my favorite vegetables was being used to stimulate my clitoris and then some. All I could think about was the story my friend told me once about how she had gotta a carrot stuck in her vag as God's punishment for masturbating with food (seriously how the fuck do you get a carrot stuck in your snatch?). I wish I could say I got really into it but somewhere between my ex asking me if I wish he was as big as this cucumber and realizing that a cucumber is a hell of a lot bigger than a carrot, I freaked out and told him to step off me with that shit (not in those exact words).

The truth is some people are just into really kinky shit. Whatever gets your rocks off right? What tickles your pickle (or cucumber)? Are you that type of girl that gets wet at the thought of being tied up and letting the guy dominate or are you THAT guy who gets off urinating on girl's exposed chest (honestly, that's just gross)? Either way, we all have that stimulant that sends our genitals into an orgasmic coma.

So I went around asking people about their own kinky fantasies and what does everyone say? Oh I'm just into the regular shit. RIGHT. If I had a dime...Don't try to bullshit me. I know everytone has their own little secret fetish. It's the 21st Century for Christ's sake. Even King Henry VIII was known for being a kinky bastard (why do you think he had so many wives?). Personally, I'd love to get a little somethin somethin in a public place. The thrill of getting caught alone probably stimulates a knee-shaking orgasm.

Speaking of public, I did have a couple friends of mine bold enough to come forward with their own sexcapades. One of them told me about how her and her boyfriend got it on in the stacks. We all know it's kind of cliché and it's on the lsit of things to do while at Cornell, but this chick had the balls to indulge in some EARLY AFTERNOON delight on top of a corner table with, according to her, a fantastic view. If that's not enough, I happen to have the pleasure of living in the same dorm as one audacious girl. This saucy lady (who gave me persmission to use her name but oh how I feind a bittersweet intrigue with anonymity-where's the fun in knowing?) divulged me in her own little adventurous sexy time. not only did they do the dirty in the conference room of my dorm, on their way up to her room, they couldn't keep their hands off each other and he just couldn't keep it in his pants. Thus, they desecrated the North-side elevator of our once sacred dorm. i'm talking Monday-midmorning-elevator sex. Raunchy.

I have heard guys and gals complaining of boring sex lives. My advice? Stop fucking complaining and DO something about it. Whether it be a cucumber, an elevator, or some bad cop sexy cop role play, venture out of your comfort zone and push the sexual boundaries you have seemingly set up for yourself. I can't tell you how many times I've been shocked to hear that guys in long distance relationships never even receive sexy pics of their gfs. "Oh she doesn't do that. She's not that type of girl" they tell me. Oh how I cringe. If you're in a long distance relationship, don't stop at sending sexy pics, try sexy vids. Trust me it will open up a while new door to your sex-life. Do a little strip tease. Take a trip to your local Spencers (those salespeople love me there). Do something out of the ordinary. Boring sex might as well equate to celibacy in our hormone driven generation. You never know, it could lead to the best damn sex you ever had (please excuse the Drake allusion). Meanwhile, I'll be between the sheets cucumber-less, committing acts that would make my high school religion teacher jealous. And oh, how she should be ;). XXX Yours truly,

Lexxxie