Author: Lindsay Cayne
Disclaimer: Slope Media and I cannot be held accountable for any of these tips. They are all satire. Thus, you are at your own risk when choosing to follow them.
It’s a Saturday night. You are walking to Dunbars in a puffy winter jacket, and suddenly see clumps of girls in sparkly dresses and high heels holding on to the arms of guys that (for once) look put together. Ah, that only means one thing: ‘Tis the (Formal) season.
As an innocent bystander, you might think, “Aww how cute! Wish I had a boyfriend . . . or honestly any guy at all.” Well luckily, your (sorority, co-op, club, publications) formal is coming up in a few weeks. But that begs the question… how do you get a date?
Well, lucky for you, I’m here to help! Follow these tips verbatim and you are sure to find success!
1. Sit inside Libe Café in Olin. Watch the guys that walk in and count to three. Once you reach the third guy, run up to him, and scream “It’s your lucky day. You get to come to formal with me!” He’ll think it’s cute and endearing. If you stare at him long enough he may even get you a latte. Score!
2. Go to Pixel every night and scout for your date. Forget schoolwork. Forget friends. Forget food. Formal, formal, formal should be the only thing on your mind . . . and Pixel is the perfect location for fun-loving (read: desperate) guys.
3. Change your Facebook status daily to something along the lines of “Accepting applications for a formal date. Must be beautiful, chivalrous, have an 8-pack, gorgeous locks, the biggest heart, and the warmest smile . . .” Please feel free to replace these adjectives with ones that describe your ideal formal date. If you don’t get 100+ likes and a few personal messages, there’s clearly something wrong with you.
4. Write the same above message on 1,000 flyers and photoshop a picture of your face onto a model. Hand out the flyers on Ho Plaza and throw them onto the tables of every Cornell eatery, library, and dorm.
5. Go to a different Cornell food truck every night. The moment you see a guy stuffing his face with food, go up to him, take whatever he is eating because hot truck food is so good, and say, “I’ll give you your meatball sub back if you agree to go to my formal with me.”
