The kids were back from college for the holidays and were determined to put the bottle down and get sober for the drive to the mall. After a week, 3 barrels of patron silverado, a handle of glenfiddich, and a bottle of crystalhead vodka, they agreed that this valiant effort had failed. It was Christmas Eve, and as usual, the Checker family had forgotten to buy a tree and presents for their beloved relatives. All was not lost though; the children decided to take public transportation. They were not the only alcoholics at the back of the bus, though they were the only ones who had not collected welfare that morning. Arriving at the mall, Jeff and Sarah went their separate ways.
Jeff Checker waited in line to buy his father a police scanner, which he found on sale at RadioShack. Of course he knew that his father already had the same make and model, because that’s what he bought the man last Christmas; However, Jeff knew from experience that he was bound to obtain any redundant presents that his dad received on Christmas, and with the new car he knew he was getting, Jeff didn’t want to be hampered by fear of reprisal on his fairly reckless test drive.
Sarah Checker was in Bath and Body Works buying herself a new facial scrub to cover up her unsightly flaws. As she looked around, she couldn’t help but feel hatred for her fellow men. The world was getting overpopulated by people that she didn’t like, and they were making her wait for satisfaction. She pondered whether it would be easier to just give her parents money for Christmas, even though it was only a fraction of the money that they had given her with which to buy presents.
Unbeknownst to these two happy children, a present that some might consider marginally controversial was being prepared halfway across town. A patient of the criminally insane variety had escaped from the city’s Finan Center. He had begged the nurse for eggnog to commemorate a family tradition, but when she left it in his padded room, she was so distracted by number 21 down of the NY Times crossword puzzle, that locking the door on her way out had slipped her mind. Woops.
The man hailed a truck a mile or two down the highway and was picked up after making a nonthreatening show. The truth is that the most dangerous lunatics are often the ones that can feign sanity for the five minute drive away from a crowded area, where they slit your throat and dissolve your hacked up body in a saran wrapped bucket filled with lye…. At least this could be considered the truth in this case. It was certainly a warm and bubbly Christmas present for the trucker’s family to find later that week.
When Sarah and Jeff arrived home there was a hubbub at the Checker household. Mommy and daddy were fighting over the absent mindedness of female chefs. It just so happens that Christmas Eve was also William’s birthday, and Cheryl, his wife, always cooked lamb and mashed potatoes for the event. Cheryl had preheated the oven to 375°F, but received an urgent phone call from a friend regarding the correct topping pattern for jelly filled petits fours. Engaged in a conversation that made her feel useful, she forgot to turn the heat down to a blazing 250°F, and left the lamb smoking like beef jerky for 3 hrs. The argument was bringing Cheryl to tears, so William decided to act fast. They would lie and tell her that the lamb was good and that it didn’t taste like charcoaled mutton. While Sarah and Jeff were not pleased with this assessment, and didn’t particularly care whether their mother was crying, they’d rather take a bullet than see the other get preferred come inheritance. It was a love filled holiday indeed, Cheryl could taste that her lamb was a step down from the dog food that their Saint Bernard was eating. However, admitting defeat would be a terrible blow to her ego. With the occasional hopeful glance, she ensured that everyone felt compelled to finish their plates.
The lunatic, heretofore called Ed, was also giving the occasional hopeful glance, waiting in the beautiful woods of the Seven Springs ski resort. He had a plan for the night that involved good clothing, and unfortunately all of the money that he had saved was tied up in the long term investment also known as the Finan Center. No matter, he had alternate means of acquiring nice cloths.
Eventually an overly pretentious skier wandered from the regular trail and chose to forge a new path through Ed’s neck of the woods. He experienced an unexpected blow to the head and legs. While Ed had a personal rule of not killing anyone over the dinner hour, he did have to make sure that no one knew where he was, so he tied the skier up, put a sock in his mouth, and utilized both of his opposable thumbs to simultaneously gouge out both of the poor man’s eyes. Later that month, the board of trustees for the resort would successfully dodge inquiries into whether bears have opposable thumbs. Ed was surprised. It only took 3 tries to find a skier that was his size and wearing a cashmere sweater under their coat.
As the dinner hour came to a close, the kids and Cheryl drew comfort from the loving glow of the family room television screen. William knew well the shit-storm which would befall him if he interrupted their viewing experience, so he headed to the master bedroom with a bowl of chef-boyardee hidden under his arm. As he entered the room he couldn’t help but feel conflicted on how his birthday had gone; perhaps it was something Cheryl had said at dinner, or perhaps it was some discord between the left and right lobes of his brain, now completely severed by the head of an axe. As Ed stepped out from behind the door, he looked at his cashmere sweater, and couldn’t help but feel that he should have taken a queue from the discovery channel. Always club a baby seal to death, doing otherwise results in a stained fur coat.
When Cheryl walked into the master bedroom to complain that the phone was dead, she saw the twins had become reacquainted, and a mess that she would have to bleach away later that night. She sighed and gathered the children from the living room, since they would find out one-way or another at this point.
“I have something to tell you,” Cheryl began, “The William you know was not your real father.” She said.
“Wait, what do you mean?” asked Jeff.
When both of the children were too young to remember, their father, William, had been experiencing a horrifying decline.
“He came home with a smaller paycheck than normal, and was acting a little weird. Clinically depressed, you might call it; I’m no doctor.” she continued.
She explained that she once had a friend who had gone through a divorce, it wasn’t pretty. Cheryl knew better and refused to raise the children alone. So she did what any American woman would do in her situation, she tracked down William’s estranged twin brother, had William committed under Ed’s name, and raised the children with the father’s twin. It worked out well for Ed too; he had been going through a rough patch, and this way he could ease right in to William’s midlevel management job.
“But your real father’s back now,” Ed (real William) reassured his family.
“And after I saw how motivated he was to get here, I knew that his chronic depression had finally left him and that we could be a family again.” Cheryl added.
“Why should I accept a murderer and someone I don’t know as father?” Sarah asked.
“Because the fake William didn’t have life insurance, his job can still accrue a small fortune if a lookalike takes his place, and if we bury the fake one it would only put an unnecessary dent in the inheritance.” Cheryl rebutted astutely.
“I’m sold” said Jeff.
As with Christmas everywhere around the world, money would hold this family together, at least until the horrible incident on New Years….
Merry Christmas
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