THIS IS A ROUGH DRAFT, I'll FIX THIS PAGE'S STYLE ISSUES MOMENTARILY
This was my first screenplay; I wrote it over winter break sophomore year. Adam Piel was the producer. Corey Belaief was in it. Tom Lee played Peirce, and Annabel Fowler played multiple parts. I wasn't in charge of production for this one, so I'm not sure if I'm missing anyone. Unfortunately, the footage went missing with only 5 more minutes of filming needed to finish the episode.
F*ck I wrote this in ink
Scene 1: gannet diagnoses a boy with Breast Cancer:
Scene opens, PEIRCE is sitting in a chair in the waiting room for Gannet when a nurse at a computer calls him.
NURSE: Peirce Stern?
PEIRCE: Yeah.?
NURSE: Doctor MacNamara just forwarded me your test results.
PEIRCE: Am I alright to go?
NURSE: You have breast cancer.
PEIRCE: Cool, alright I’ll see you later
turns and walks. Stops. Comes back.
Did. Did you say ‘breast cancer’?
NURSE: I’m afraid so, honey.
PEIRCE: Are you certain that the chart doesn’t say Prostate cancer.
NURSE: Yes.
PEIRCE: I came in for a prostate exam.
Nurse nods with a look of incomprehension
PEIRCE: And I was given a prostate exam.
Nurse still lost.
PEIRCE: What I’m trying to get at is, are you sure there’s no mistake.
NURSE: Yes, you have breast cancer.
PEIRCE: I’M A GUY.
NURSE: It is completely possible for a male of your age to acquire breast cancer - all males have a small amount of breast tissue under their nipples.
PEIRCE: Do I look like I have breast cancer! Coughs… what I feel like is strep throat.
Nurse pulls out a chart and reads
NURSE: Yes, the test came back positive for that as well.
PEIRCE: Great, just great… can I get some antibiotics then.
NURSE: Before we can consider giving you any antibiotics we’ll have to give you a pregnancy test.
PEIRCE: Alright I’m out of here.
Leaves.
NURSE: sir…Sir? Oh well. More for me
takes out a prescription bottle (in reality filled with candy, but looks like medication), and starts downing it.
Scene 2: the professor’s office
In PEIRCE’s Faculty advisor’s office. Professor of chemisty is humming(perhaps the wizard of Oz), and resetting the position of a chair while looking up at some off stage object, as if making sure chair is directly beneath something.
On the marker board is a series of steps reminiscent of an attempt to create a Spiderman. There is a knock at the door.
PROFESSOR: Yes, come in.
PEIRCE: Hey.
PROFESSOR: I heard the unfortunate news.
PEIRCE: Yeah.
PROFESSOR: Winter weather’s a bitch.
PEIRCE: well, it’s actually about the breast cancer.
PROFESSOR: Oh.
PEIRCE: I figured that it would be best if I left the chem. major… since I’m only going to be alive for the next 3 months, I figure I might as well enjoy life.
PROFESSOR: that’s a pity.
PEIRCE: Which?
PROFESSOR: Hmm…What?
PEIRCE: Which is a pity? That I’m leaving the department, dying, or having fun with the rest of my life
Professor ignores him and moves on.
PROFESSOR: Well I’m sorry to hear that. The department will miss you. You know we only have 30 chem majors a year. You’ve brought it down to 29. Nostalgia is getting the best of me. Ah… in all our meetings did I ever tell you about my research.
PEIRCE: no, never.
PROFESSOR: It’s quite interesting, or at least I tend to think so. It involves spiders.
PEIRCE: spiders?
PROFESSOR: and uranium.
PEIRCE: AND URANIUM?
As the professor speaks, he is strangely looking up above Peirce rather than at him.
PROFESSOR: Yes, we’re testing the effects of radioactive spider bites; there are many possible military applications- some theorize that by taking a spider, irradiating the hell out of it, then having that spider bite a human, well, that doing so could possibly increase the individuals strength, agility and reflexes to superhuman levels.
PEIRCE: But wouldn’t that just give the person cancer, instead of superhuman powers.
As the professor speaks, he descends his area of attention
PROFESSOR: Our insurance only covers us for testing those that are already predisposed to cancer. Which is probably why the data is skewed to suggest such cancer causing effects.
the professor’s attention has lowered to Peirce
PEIRCE jumps in his seat, grabbing his arm as if wounded.
PEIRCE: Ouch.
PROFESSOR: (Immediately, Abruptly) well this has been nice, but…oh look at the time. I’m late. For a very important date. (Peirce gets up) I’ll have to cut this conversation short. (professor starts shoving peirce out the door) See you. bye, bye. (Proffessor shuts the door, takes out a piece of paper and writes while talking).
PROFFESSOR: Subject 13, Initialization. (looks at watch) January 30th.
Scene 3: the weasily slope media administrator.
Peirce walks down to the slope media group headquarters and looks at the address again before knocking on the door
ADMINISTRATOR: Wait, I’m coming.
He comes to door
ADMINISTRATOR: What can I do you for.
PEIRCE: Actually, I was wondering if I could get a job with slope media group.
ADMINISTRATOR: What position are you….
He looks at his watch
ADMINISTRATOR: it’s 4:15.
PEIRCE: Yeah.
ADMINISTRATOR: I’m going to miss the 4:20….Come. walk with me.
They start walking upstairs, the administrator is eating a banana.’
ADMINISTRATOR: so what position are you looking for.
PEIRCE: maybe a producer.
ADMINISTRATOR: Done.
PEIRCE: I think that I would be a good producer because…. Wait, what?
ADMINISTRATOR: here’s a camera. You need to shoot five episodes by tomorrow or else we’re bankrupt.
PEIRCE: by tomorrow. Did I get the right address?
ADMINISTRATOR: so what do you want to name your show.
PEIRCE: Oh fuck I wrote this in ink.
ADMINISTRATOR: Hmmm. Catchy. I like it.
PEIRCE: actually I was talking about the directions that I…
They are nearly outside now.
ADMINITSTRATOR: Do you like coats, Peirce?
PEIRCE: I beg your pardon?
ADMINISTRATOR: Coats, do you like them.
PEIRCE: Well, I suppose that I’m happy that I have one. It is a bit nippy out.
Camera gets shot of person that looks like they are frozen to death, clutching a box of matches.
ADMINISTRATOR: You see, Pat. May I call you pat.
As the administrator carefully places the banana peal in the center of Ho plaza.
PEIRCE: my name’s peirce.
ADMINISTRATOR: All red-blooded Americans love coats. They can’t get enough of them.
PEIRCE: is that so.
ADMINISTRATOR: Santa clause, ice cream sundays. Jesus. What do these all share in common Pat. Their coats.
They sit down watching the banana peal
PEIRCE: didn’t Jesus live in a desert.
ADMINISTRATOR: Some even go so far as to say that the Revolutionary War was just a setup for the acquisition of RED COATS.
Administrator looks at clock
ADMINISTRATOR: 4:20!
A tour group walks by with a girl in a coat walking backwards, she slips on the banana. For this stunt we need a water balloon partially filled with red food coloring and water, and a pin.
GIRL: Oh thank God you came to help. I. I think I’m bleeding
She puts her head back a little into the water balloon beneath it and fake blood squirts out.
ADMINISTRATOR: Give Me Your Coat Woman!
He shouts as he takes it from her.
ADMINISTRATOR: Run Pat Run.
They both run off. Peirce highly confused.
Scene 4: The cornell photographer
Peirce is walking down ho plaza when he sees his friend.
NATE: Hey, heard about the breast cancer….Bummer.
PEIRCE: yep.
NATE: you know I always thought that girls were the only ones to get that.
PEIRCE: Well actually its perfectly normal for males of my age …nevermind. How are classes going?
NATE: Pretty good. Pretty good. My research advisor decided to move from 4 dimensional crystals to 8 dimensional ones.
PEIRCE: wait. There are fourth dimensional crystals?
NATE: no.
PEIRCE: But he moved up to Eight.
NATE: it makes things easier.
PEIRCE: I see. So are you going to thumpty’s party tomorrow night?
NATE: Of course.
PEIRCE: Wait, what’s the camera for?
NATE: Oh I got a job with the university.
PEIRCE: The university hired you?
NATE: After I falsified a urine sample.
PEIRCE: Are you serious.
NATE: no. of course not….it was 2 urine samples. You should have seen the expression on the other guy’s face. ‘What? I’ve never seen a marijuana leaf let alone smoked it’ And then he was taken away.
He looks out into the distance with fond memories.
PEIRCE: What does Cornell have you doing?
NATE: I’m taking photos for prospective student pamphlets.
PEIRCE: I just got a great idea. Hey, I’ll see ya later.
NATE: Yeah bye.
Nate sees Vishnu and Ya
NATE: Hey would you mind getting in a picture with me for the university?
BOTH: …No we’ve got time.
Nate is between both of them smilling as the camera counts down, and as it hits the last second he pushes down his foot which was on top the end of a rake which has a sign on it face down. The rake shoots up in the middle of them and the sign says ‘ Cornell \n a diverse campus’.
Scene 5 the groin kick
Peirce is in the middle of Ho Plaza with a sandwich box on which says save second base. He is probably ringing a bell or something with a donation bucket in front of him. A few people pass and give him some money. But then a girl stops by and talks to him.
GIRL: Ah how cute. Are you doing this for your girlfriend or something.
PEIRCE: Well, actually I have breast cancer.
The girl’s smile turns to a frown. She kicks him in the groin. He falls into the fetal position.
GIRL: Jackass.
She walks away. A few seconds later, Peirce’s phone rings.
PEIRCE: hello?
NURSE: Hi this is Gannet health services speaking. What can I do for you?
PEIRCE: You called me.
NURSE: Oh right…I was just calling to tell you that we mixed up the charts with a girl named Sarah. You don’t have breast cancer.
PEIRCE: What?
NURSE: And you’re not pregnant.
PEIRCE: Did you just give me the name of the girl that does have breast cancer. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!!!
NURSE: Sir calm down. You’re over reacting.
PEIRCE: overreacting? I’m in a sandwich box that says ‘save second base’ and I was just kicked in the groin by a vociferous girl that didn’t believe I have breast cancer. You just told me that she was right, and violated patient privacy laws for some poor girl all in less than 5 sentences.
NURSE: Sir calm down.
PEIRCE: You don’t have a right to tell me to calm down. Listen, if you people ever do something like this to me again I swear I’ll have my lawyers in your office in less then ten minutes.
NURSE: Sir you’re a student.
PEIRCE: and.
NURSE: You have no lawyers.
PEIRCE: I’ll get some.
NURSE: goodbye.
Scene 6: Someone dies of food poisoning on west campus.
Enter peirce and 2 friends to Hans Bethe dining hall. Peirce is arriving late.
PEIRCE: Sorry, for getting here so late…I had a bit of trouble on Ho plaza.
FRIEND1: Whatever.
FRIEND2: We were only waiting for 20 minutes.
FRIEND1: and it’s not like we have an orgo prelim tonight or anything.
PEIRCE: you have prelims already? It’s like the first Tuesday that they have them isn’t it.
FRIEND2: That reminds me if you forget to tape Lost tonight I swear to God I’ll kill you.
FRIEND1: And it probably wouldn’t be a very pleasant death. FRIEND2 likes Lost like he likes his cocaine.
FRIEND2: you mean I’m addicted to it.
FRIEND1: exactly….
Pause a second.
FRIEND2: What the fuck, that wasn’t funny. There wasn’t even a punch line.
FRIEND1: I was going to say uncut and ceaseless, but then I saw a child.
FRIEND2: What child?
FRIEND1: Hmm?
FRIEND2: What child?/
PEIRCE: Did I ever tell you guys about the time that I went to Amsterdam?
FRIEND2: Is this going to be like everyone of your stories?
PEIRCE: What do you mean?
FRIEND1: none of your stories are funny Peirce and they never have a climax.
PEIRCE: that’s not true.
FRIEND1: like the one where you took a Spanish prelim.
FRIEND2: ‘And when I got there, I realized I forgot to bring my 7 pencils.’
FRIEND1: quite the show stopper.
FRIEND2: And the one about the barn cat scratching your eye.
FRIEND1: ‘I had to take eye drops for an entire week’
FRIEND2: You know, a little hyperbole can go a long way. Now, if you had said that you had to get laser eye surgery and it took a month to heal, over which time you learned a genuine moral lesson about the adversity that blind people face each day in our modern, visually acute society-
FRIEND1: then we wouldn’t have attempted to claw out our radial arteries in a makeshift attempt to slit our wrists and end the conversation sooner.
FRIEND2: That reminds me, how are your scars doing.
FRIEND1: the cocoa butter is really helping to smooth them out.
PEIRCE: oh come on my stories aren’t that bad.
FRIEND2: fine, what about your trip to Amsterdam Peirce? Actually, wait a sec.
Before peirce speaks, friend1 and friend 2 hurridly put on their LiveStrong wrist bands.
FRIEND2: alright, go.
PEIRCE: Between my freshman and sophomore year of high school, my family went on a trip to Europe. And when we went to Amsterdam, my dad ‘accidentally’ drove us right into the center of the red light district.
FRIEND2: Did you smoke pot.
PEIRCE: no, but my father rolled down the windows and took in a deep breath, then said ‘Ah smell that fresh air.’
FRIEND1: That’s not the end of the story is it?
PEIRCE: no, when he rolled down the windows, there was this guy sitting at a table next to another guy.
FRIEND1: this is horrible.
PEIRCE: and he was rolling a joint.
FRIEND2: just wait a minute, give him a chance. (to friend1)
PEIRCE: and he said to the other guy “Dan Rather was on the BBC, and I can’t quite remember what he said…let me paraphrase here”.
They just stare at him blinking.
PEIRCE: and then the car in front of us moved, so we moved.
They keep blinking.
PEIRCE: See, its funny because he was rolling a joint while he was saying that he couldn’t remember something.
Pause.
FRIEND2: I…HATE YOU….SO…..MUCH.
FRIEND1: come on, lets just get some food and pretend this didn’t happen.
As they leave. Sincerely, and with eyes wide open.
FRIEND2: how did he get into cornell!
PEIRCE: Stop exaggerating you guys, it wasn’t that bad.
Blackout
On return, they are sitting at a table eating.
Peirce is sitting on the same side of the table as Friend2. Friend1 is on the opposite side.
FRIEND1: So why were you late?
PEIRCE: When?
FRIEND1: Just now, showing up to dinner.
PEIRCE: What, oh, I’d rather not talk about it.
FRIEND2: Oh thank god.
FRIEND1: (to friend2) If he doesn’t want to talk about it it’s probably something interesting.
FRIEND1: (to Peirce) Seriously, what happened.
PEIRCE: it was nothing.
FRIEND1: Listen, we let you tell your Amsterdam story and it nearly killed Friend2, here.
FRIEND2: yeah you owe us.
PEIRCE: Alright. Fine. This morning Gannet told me I had breast cancer.
They both start smiling at him.
PEIRCE: So I was on Ho plaza in a sandwich box that said something about saving second base when a girl kicked me in the crotch because she thought I was mocking women.
The Friends bust out laughing as Friend2 is eating his food
PEIRCE: Then, while I was on the ground Gannet called me and told me that they mixed up charts. And that I could pick up my strep throat antibiotics now because they finally believe I’m not pregnant.
Friend2 collapses into his plate. Peirce checks his pulse.
PEIRCE: Uhhh…He doesn’t have a pulse.
No one in the cafeteria flinches, even Friend1 keeps eating.
PEIRCE: I think he died of food poisoning.
Everyone keeps eating.
FRIEND1: What was he eating?
PEIRCE: Pork.
Friend1 picks up pork off of his plate and drops it on his tray.
FRIEND1: all better.
PEIRCE: Didn’t anyone hear me. He’s Dead.
no one flinches.
PEIRCE: What the fuck is wrong with you people?!
RANDOMGUY: I’ve got an orgo prelim in 30 minutes, Jack-ass!
PEIRCE: And I had breast cancer.
RANDOMGUY: What/
PEIRCE: Nothing.
Peirce turns back around.
PEIRCE: Are you ready to go?
FRIEND1: Hold on.
Friend1 separates the remaining food on Friend2’s plate from the pork and starts eating it. Peirce leaves.
Scene 7: wrapping things up.
Peirce is in his apartment alone talking to his fossils from evolutionary bio class.
PEIRCE: well mr. fossil I certainly learned a lot today. I learned that guys can get breast cancer, but that they shouldn’t tell anyone about it. EVER. I learned that the food on west campus will literally kill you, and that nearby premeds will undoubtedly be too busy studying to save you. And I learned that Sunshine smells like a warm winter breeze, carried by the tranquil ocean after a midsummer’s storm.
Peirce looks out into the distance in a fond, thoughtful pose. Then he shakes his head and looks once again at mr. fossil.
PEIRCE: what was that mr. Fossil? he leans in. then busts out laughing in a very convincing way.
PEIRCE: hahahaha, yeah mr. Fossil I am happy that we didn’t have a run in with the Twelve -You know Vera (now speaking to his aloe vera plant) somehow I have a feeling that everything’s gonna be ok.
Peirce leans back into his chair. Blackout. Upon return, he is walking down Ho Plaza.
GIRL: Hey jackass.
Peirce turns.
PEIRCE: What?
GIRL: That’s him paul, the one I was talking about – the one that thinks that breast cancer is funny.
Peirce is tackled on the opposite side by Paul. Peirce is yelling, fake blood is on his head.
PAUL: And if me and my girl ever see you again– I’ll kill you.
he walks away. Peirce crawls to Gannet begging for help. The nurse is on the opposite side of the glass shakes her head. She turns and walks away.
THE END
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