The Cornell Crone: The Worlds Leading Disinterested Conservative News Chronicle

Disclaimer: no one takes responsibility for this egregious, without recourse, political opinion and commentary.

This script (rough draft) was originally intended for Slope TV, and if it had come to fruition, Annabel Fowler and Ivan Friedman would have been correspondents and administrators for the show. Enjoy.

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HEADLINES

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David: Hello everyone, and welcome to the world’s best basic cable news chronicle, The Cornell Crone.

Mandy: I’m Mandy Milch

David: And I’m David David

Mandy: And here are the headlines

David: Merck unveils its newest pharmaceutical product, Happiness in a can. The drug causes 30 minutes of absolute euphoria with no side effects or risk of addiction, leading Harvard Philosophers to append to the old adage, “you can’t buy happiness,” … “unless you’re at Walgreens.”

Mandy: Ithaca fire department burned down today. Captain Dan says they just couldn’t make it there in time.

David: Demanding an explanation for rolling blackouts in the area, citizens were appeased after the president of a local power company explained the factory has gone green with patina.

Mandy: Cornell dairy filed for bankruptcy this week claiming the cows had milked them for all their worth.

David: In arbitration this morning, TCAT offered discount passes to the 40 pedestrians who were crippled in last month’s bus accident.

Mandy: Cornell sues itself for defaulting on 2,000 financial aide loans. The prosecution opened by telling the judge the defense is not to be trusted.

David: California lowered world carbon emissions this week by sinking into the Pacific; an ensuing tsunami lowered it by another quarter.

Mandy: The pothole on state street was finally filled in this morning with a Chevy Buick. Ithaca officials have harped on this stroke of good fortune and have set up a city council meeting to discuss the sustainability of fixing the remaining potholes in the same way.

David: And now on to our top stories

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STORY 1

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David: Under the auspices of its freedom of information act, Cornell University has taken a brave new step in the fight against data suppression. For more on this story we join our very own electronic data analyst Shitzu DoucheCanoe at the Starbucks on the corner of Dryden and College Ave.

Shitzu: thanks David, these are very exiting times indeed. Within the poetry stained walls of this humble establishment, the brisk smell of hazelnut, café, and flaming lamppost serve as a proverbial celebratory incense on this most auspicious of days. Several hours ago a liberation front the likes of which our great nation has not seen since the third quarter of the 18th century reveled in victory with battle spoils of blueberry bran muffin and grande caramel macchiato. I’m here with the protagonist in this heroic story: Jack Dan Thomas the third. Nice to have you with us Jack.

Jack: nei ta be hair Shitzu.

Shitzu: now Jack, tell us in your own words the happenings of this day of days.

Jack: wail, I done take my work ta break witt me ta dat dair starbucks and got up ta git a drank and some’dat dair PEECH coblar squares. And when A got back my majic box dun disa’pered.

Shitzu: he is of course referring to the vessel of success in this story, his laptop computer.

Jack: dat’za wan.

Shitzu: and how many pieces of data were liberated?

Jack: 450 hundred social security numbers, names, addresses, account numbers, an Jack’s nudy pics.

Shitzu: 45,000 daring daggers of information suppression quelled, you sir are a hero.

Jack: An nun of it wulda happened if it wern’t da first da month, cause my walfair check wouldn’t hab been in yet and dat der starbuck’s expensive.

Shitzu: and how were you rewarded upon leaving this affordable establishment?

Jack: I dun been promoted to dean of information security.

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STORY 2

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Mandy: Hold on Shitzu, I’m going to have to interrupt you, we’ve just gotten word of a tragic development

Shitzu: hi mandy I stand at the precipice of the college town bridge where a brave soul decided to take her own life. Today at 2:00 in the afternoon Kitty Meaw ran a beeline up college avenue, passed onlookers at college town bagels, and nonchalantly did a combination summersault back hand spring off the bridge, a move she had previously perfected last year at varsity swim finals. Now, none of the people surrounding this incident elected to appear on camera, but they did give us the following statements off the record. Kitty Meaw’s owner had this to say: kitty Meaw was a good cat, a staunch advocate for the inhumane treatment of pigeons and squirrels alike, and rarely developing urinal tract infections. She will be missed. Cornell’s dean of publicity appended thusly: I think that it strikes all of our hearts when a feline decides to take its own life. We are a human family, and when a pet dies we all feel the effects. I just wish that Kitty Meaw would have come to us first you know, if only she had meowed for help to one of our numerous grief counselors, I can’t help but feel that she would still be here today. Finally Kitty Meaw’s grief counselor stated flatly: she called me crying that gas, tuition, and even milk had gone up in price and she just couldn’t afford it all. I asked her whether she wanted her grief counseling to be billed to her bursar or her credit card. She responded that she no longer had bursar and hung up before I could tell her that that is a shame because bursar is just a great program that really pays off in the long run, you give cornell a few hundred or thousand dollars at the beginning of the semester…. And then I stopped writing. A bleak ending to my report of this cowardly and senseless act.

Mandy: Which brings us to our next story…

Shitzu: today at 2:00, Mickey’s son, Macabre Mouse, became accidentally lodged in Kitty Meaw’s mouth and was hurled into the gorge. He will be missed. Officers are standing by and will be fishing them out tomorrow after the rain has subsided.

(This will be filmed on the sunniest day we can get)

(break here for our sponsors)

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STORY 3

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David: Well congress is back in session and as their first act, the Senate has finally passed Obama’s energy bill. Now some republicans have been arguing that such a bill stifles entrepreneurs and hurts our country’s businesses, but few have actually read the bill and argued with a strong grasp of its inner workings. Here with us today to discuss its provisions are American business leaders Clarkson the Clerk, Jackson the Janitor, and Jetson the jetsam. I apologize your name is rather hard to pronounce (pan to jetsam, no response, it is a block of wood). Thanks I bought it at Hermez, hahaha. Now Clarkson, explain to us the flatBag, one of the tools of the energy bill’s carbon emissions audit.

Clarkson: Well the flatBag is a polyethylene bag, no bigger than an ordinary trash bag, which can be used for the collection and measuring of personal carbon emissions. FlatBag is actually short for Flatulence bag.

David: What is the cost to consumers for buying this FlatBag?

Clarkson: The flatBag is actually a pivotal piece of equipment with nanotechnology laced into every seam. The going market price is $30,000 dollars per bag.

David: how affordable!

Clarkson: and if you can’t afford to buy the flatBag, the cost is just passed on to another consumer who can. Society has an obligation to pay for you if you are in need of medical assistance, but unable to afford such assistance for yourself. Well the environment affects everyone’s health, so passing on the flatBag cost is really just a direct corollary to this self evident truth.

David: so how does the flatBag work?

Clarkson: well, as I mentioned earlier, nanotechnology is laced into every seam. The flatBag uses this technology to monitor the emission of any gas coming from the person’s dorsal side. This information is sent directly to the National Institute for Carbon Emissions And Sustainable Services or NiceAss for short. Where it is scrutinized and tested for good consistency. If an officer detects an overabundance of emissions, the individual has the opportunity to buy Carbon credits from a neighbor or friend who has not yet used them.

David: and what if someone doesn’t comply?

Clarkson: if a repeat offender refuses to comply within the 60 day grace period, a group of 3 officers vote and if they deem this person is a danger, they peacefully stop the individuals carbon emissions.

David: how do they do that?

Clarkson: Without oxygen there can be no carbon emissions. The FlatBag simply cuts off the individuals oxygen supply until compliance is achieved. If the individual has a complaint he can simply send a letter of redress to our liason office in Dutch Harbor, Alaska. Personal visits welcome.

David: Now Clarkson I’m going to have to stop you here, it seems we’ve run out of time. Thanks for coming; I hope to see you all in the future, and Now onto Mandy with this week in television.

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STORY 4

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Mandy: I’m here with tonight’s guest, the producer of a new reality series, “The Sun May Never Rise”. Ruth Bader Ginsberg, tell us about how you came up with your original show.

Ruth: Well Cornell University has always resented its studentry, and I just woke up one morning and realized “what show has more intrigue and action than that of an entire campus embroiled in frustration.”

Mandy: Now, I’m told that the show follows students who have lost there dignity and livelihoods, as they run from building to building pleading with officials and trying to find an administrator with the power to improve their situation, only to be sent back where they started. One must ask, what are the inherent legal issues that a producer of such a show must consider.

Ruth: Listen, this is how I explained it to my 8 coworkers, think of the constitution. Is it really relevant any more?

Mandy: That’s a rather childish question.

Ruth: Of course not, if it were, any common citizen could carry a gun for personal defense. It is a document that displays archaic and unnecessary ideals for a modern industrial society. By the Transitive property, inalienable human rights are also no longer relevant, and with a stretch you can also show that human dignity is in the same bag.

Mandy: I never looked at it that way before; it’s such a convincing argument.

Ruth: I dabble in the art of debate.

Mandy: Tell us some of the things that we can expect to see in the show’s pilot.

Ruth: In the first episode we’ll collude with the local weather station to increase sunshine forecasts by 60% to raise then shatter hopes. We then announce a 10% increase in the $47,000 tuition, to take effect retrospectively last fall. Now you may think that this would be enough to create a hubbub since we’ve done something previously illegal, but the sad truth is that kids today are quite docile, a considerable hurtle for reality television.

Mandy: I know what you mean, my heavyset assistant placidly eats his daily pittance from the trough we’ve provided him, and regularly falls asleep standing up. (Mandy's eyes gaze off into the distance, as she gives a pleasant smile)... Could you possibly give us a sneak peak of the rest of the season?

Ruth: Certainly. Several weeks after tuition has been collected we plan to move the Human Ecology school to a janitorial closet in Stimpson Hall. During the last month of classes, students will find the janitorial closet filled in with a slurry of concrete and human waste, no note will appear on the door, and all evidence of the school’s existence will be stripped from our records.

Mandy: A truly progressive move in reality television.

Ruth: I like to think I’ve made a difference.

Mandy: Well that’s our show, Ruth thanks for coming

Ruth: Thanks for having me.

Mandy: This is Mandy Milch signing off