Yasmin’s Weekly Rant: Binge Watching
Before I start this rant, I want to preface it with this: I am a Communication Media Major, and Film concentrator. Which means that after four years I will have an Cornell University certified document telling the world that: I am an entertainment snob.
You watched one episode of How I Met Your Mother? That’s nice, I wrote a 20-page essay dedicated to how one inane joke of Barney’s has set back years of feminist progress. You get annoyed at advertisements? Cool! I have to learn how each effect, color, and element of them affects our cognitive process.
This makes me probably the worst person to discuss or watch pop culture with. I’ll talk over an entire movie in the theatre, or scoff indignantly through an entire TV episode. The reason I’m telling you this is not so that none of you will ever go to the movies or watch a TV show with me (even though most of my friends avoid that already). It is to tell you that I am extremely irked, peeved, pissed off (or all of the above) when this happens:
Me: “Hey [friend I’m not really close with but bumped into]! How was your Spring break?”
Friend: “Ah it was great. I just watched Netflix the entire time.”
Cue me making up some excuse and leaving.
Why would I leave? What did this person say that was so offensive? Well, my lovely readers (also known as mom and dad) nine out of ten of the people who say that they “just watched Netflix” (which is an incorrect statement; in general you can’t WATCH Netflix, you can watch television shows ON Netflix) are lying. They probably watched one episode of Game of Thrones (texted nine people that they are “so obsessed with GOT!! Omg!”) or two episodes of Modern Family (40 minutes later…) laughed about how “Funny Gloria’s accent is,” closed their computer and called it a day. Rather than be happy that not all of my peers are lethargic vegetables sitting on their couches, cutting their life expectancy down by 20 years, I choose to be offended.
So, as self-appointed entertainment snob, I am finally writing to tell you all my secret guide to binge watching like a pro on break (can also be applied to Summer vacation, weekends, or school if you want to have a 0.01 GPA)
Note: I apologize for the inane, list-y, Buzzfeed-like fashion this is presented in. Since no one really reads long paragraphs anymore, I thought this is the only way I could get my message across.
1. Come home from break
Give a quick hug to your parents, wave to your sibling(s) and Instagram your fluffy pet. Take this all in, because this will be your first and last social interaction for the entire break.
2.Pick a show
Make sure it is long, intense, and captivating. The more seasons, the better. You get bonus points if there are spin off shows or reunion movies. Put your DVD in, load your Netflix, buy it on iTunes (or whatever your form of viewing is these days) and wave a cheery goodbye to reality.
Warning: do NOT change your Facebook status to “Zomg what should should I binge watch?” That’s obnoxious. To save you from social ridicule here are some recommendations: The Wire, LOST, House of Cards, Gilmore Girls, X-Files, Alias, Friends.
3. Get comfortable
Wear loose clothing, place multiple large beverages near your bed (But not too many. It’s much more tolerable to be dying of thirst than having to go to the bathroom. Trust me). Grab five or six bags/containers of unhealthy salty and sweet snacks and place them strategically around you (as if you’re going to make the 2 minute TREK to the kitchen). Squish around in your bed for approximately five to six minutes until your pillows are dented into the shape of your body.
4. Begin your show
There is nothing like the rush of meeting new characters, and indulging in novel plot lines. I’m getting excited just thinking about it. Watch 10-15 episodes of your show nonstop. This is the only way to truly get accustomed to the pacing and genre of the show. (Oh, and to forget that the fictional character’s are not your real friends….)
6. Do not sleep
Sleep is for the weak. Plus the best episode of a show always aligns coincidentally with the crack of dawn. What are you going to do, PAUSE it and stop the flow? I don’t think so…
7. Yell at your family members and/or roommates
When they keep coming into your room asking why you haven’t eaten meals, spent time with your loved ones, or seen the daylight in 6 days, you have a choice of responses. 1) Either scream of a mixture of quotes from your favorite new TV show, or 2) Sit silently and pretend they are not there. If you can’t see them, maybe they can’t see you?
8. Reject social interaction
Answer “nope” (that is spelled n-o-p-e) to all of your high school friends who keep calling, texting and Facebook chatting you asking when they can see you. If they are good friends they’ll understand what you are going through. If they are best friends, they’ll tell you they are doing the same thing and not bother you.
9. Pace yourself
Hahahahaha just kidding! Do not stop until you are done the series. The only time you may stop is if your eyes sting and you begin to see white and black dots, OR you have lost feeling in one side of your body (just speaking from experience). Then, and only then, can you stand up, call a doctor, and check if your organs are still functioning.
10. Finish your show
This will be the hardest part of your journey. Somehow in only 7 days you finished a 9-season show, and now you are at the end of your last episode. Your screen will turn black and you will most likely stare at it for 10 minutes or so. A feeling of nausea and heartache will suddenly wash over you. This is normal. You are leaving a world you have called home for seven days, and saying good-bye to your friends. Slowly, but surely, turn off your computer (or TV?) and acclimate back to social life. At first it will be difficult (your friends and family may not be as witty or accomplished as your fictional friends) but remember you can always do a binge-rerun the next time you’re home.
Happy, unhealthy binge-watching everyone!
