Ever since I can remember, I’ve had a thing for black guys.
When I was in fifth grade, my teacher had the girls in the class draw pictures of our future husbands (we won’t get into how hetero-normative this was) and I was the only one who didn’t use the peach-colored crayon to shade the skin of my betrothed. To this day, I’ll randomly watch basketball/football games (regardless of what team is playing) simply to pinpoint cute black players, and then compulsively Google their names to discover their marital status. I also once joined an interracial dating website, but that’s a story for another time.
Anyway, a few months ago I was dating a guy named Will* who happened to be black, and also happened to be really into me. Things started out slowly, much slower than I usually take things with someone I’m attracted to. A month of movie watching and party hopping passed before our first kiss, but it was clear we had natural chemistry. He was surprisingly respectful, and let me decide how far things would go between us. Since I actually liked him, I held out. It’s interesting how we women can fuck a guy on a first date if we think he’s hot, but if we like his looks and personality we suddenly play hard to get. Thus, I abstained. After nearly two months of waiting, though, I cracked and finally let Will take things to the next level.
Now, before I tell you what happened, I want to make it clear that I am totally against perpetuating racial stereotypes. All Asians don’t have to be good at math and not all Jews are cheap. Will, however, fit the stereotype of black men to a tee, and it quickly became apparent we had a big, black problem.
Will was too (ahem) big for me.
We tried different positions, slowing things down, me on top, him on top, but all to no avail. After about five minutes, the pleasure would turn to pain and I’d have to ask him to stop. As a woman who prides herself on her dick-taking abilities (Superbad, anyone?), this was a huge blow to my ego. I imagine the feeling would be similar to a guy who can’t keep his dick hard. After several weeks of trying, we settled into a strange pattern where he would come over, we would try having sex, it wouldn’t work, and then he’d eat me out and leave. Not a bad situation overall, but I was becoming increasingly insecure with my inability to please him.
Then, one fateful Friday night, I drunkenly returned home from the bars and decided I needed Will in my bed ASAP. Perhaps I believed the alcohol would somehow make him smaller or easier to handle. To my dismay, we soon found ourselves in the same predicament. Will kindly stopped per my request, but instead of moving forward, I did the worst thing a girl can do mid-coitus: I started to cry.
In my defense, I am not a crier; I usually prefer to suffer in silence. In this drunken stupor, however, all reasoned action went out the window. Will tried to comfort me, but it was no use. As my mascara ran down my face, I felt somehow less than a woman. What’s the point of dating a guy with a huge penis if you can’t fuck him?!
Unsurprisingly, Will and I ended things shortly after this incident (although it was not entirely related to our problems in the bedroom). The whole situation got me wondering how many other women have experienced similar problems, and if anything can be done to fix it. After doing some extensive research on the subject (read: Googling), I found some interesting information on the topic that may have saved me some frustration and self-esteem loss had I discovered it sooner.
Here’s what I learned: Apparently, only the first five-to-seven inches of a woman’s vagina contains feel-good nerve receptors. If a guy’s penis moves beyond this point, it starts entering cervix territory, which does not contain these pleasure axons. Thus, men that are in the “eight-inch-plus” category might be banging your literal baby maker (which is painful, to say the least). Positions that make these non-pleasurable regions more accessible, like doggy-style, which angles the pelvis downward, might be out of the question for well-endowed partners. Even more interestingly, seeing a man with a large penis pre-fuck might make women’s vaginas less likely to be, for lack of a better term, compliant. According to an article in Cosmopolitan, anticipating discomfort causes our muscles to tense up. In other words, women may clench their kegels after seeing an exceptionally large penis because they expect that it’s going to hurt them, and as a result, it does. If we assume that this is true, then the pain is just a self-fulfilling prophecy and perhaps we can “think” our way toward good sex.
Given the large number of websites, advice columns, and chat rooms devoted to discussing the topic of men who are too big, it’s clear that this is an issue many women grapple with. Fortunately, there are a variety of ways to deal with a guy whose dick makes you want to crawl up into the fetal position and never have sex again. The general rules I picked up from surveying these websites are, briefly, lots of lube, shallow positions, and foreplay. To elaborate, if a woman is not wet enough, sex with anybody is going to increase friction and potentially cause pain. Next, and as I mentioned before, positions that allow a man to penetrate deeply are probably going to be the most painful for a woman. So sticking with girl-on-top, or missionary with the woman’s legs down can help reduce the likelihood of passing the pleasure point. Finally, foreplay can not only help make things nice and wet, it can keep a man’s member at bay. If he’s ready to burst before he penetrates, the woman is going to get the full brunt of his manhood. Thus, if the man comes once before the sex begins, things might not be so bad (although, I should mention this info is coming from Cosmo, which has a tendency to over-emphasize women’s duty to please men, despite its feminist agenda, but the advice sounds good in theory).
I suppose I could have handled my situation with Will much differently, but alas, I am too stubborn (and dramatic) for my own good. For the rest of you out there, I wouldn’t dismiss a guy simply because his dick is too big. The idea that “bigger is better” permeates every aspect of our society (i.e.; McDonald’s Supersize meals), but it obviously doesn’t apply to everything, especially sex. Bigger can be made better, though, if you’re willing to try other alternatives. Keep in mind, however, that sex is all about feeling good, so if things are still not working out after several attempts, you might have to throw in the towel. The good news is, you can still do like I do and fantasize about Kobe Bryant to pass the time. :)
