By: Hannah McGough
We’ve waited all year, and they’re finally back: Girl Scouts Cookies. Instead of caving to the first aggressive Brownie who offers to sell you a box hustles you to get rid of her shortbread in RPCC, Slope Media wants you to make an informed decision about your cookie selection. After reading our handy rankings, we hope you’ll be able to navigate the cookie sale faster than you can say “Samoa.” Without further ado, the 2014 Official Girl Scouts Cookies Rankings:
Top Tier
Thin Mints (frozen) | If Thin Mints weren’t already the obvious pick for first place, their unique ability to taste better frozen sets them apart from every other cookie. Said an enthusiastic executive board member, “Frozen Thin Mints are not a question; they’re a lifestyle.”
Samoas/*Caramel deLites | The Samoa is the quintessential Girl Scouts cookie, and by and large the “best dressed” of the bunch. Because of the sheer presence of real coconut shavings, the Samoa’s comparative worth propels it to the top tier as the most expensive $4 cookie.
Tagalongs/*Peanut Butter Patties | While “tagalong” implies a nagging follower, there’s nothing third wheel about this leading cookie. The Tagalong is like a Twix bar if you replaced the caramel with creamy Reese’s pb, and we all know that Twix and Reese’s are the gold standards of candy.
Upper Middle Tier
Thin Mints (room temp) | Thin mints will always be the best, but it’s hard to call anything that gets chocolate all over your hands top tier. Freeze or suffer the consequences.
Do-si-dos/*Peanut Butter Sandwich | We don’t know about you, but we’d do-si-do for these cookies. Girl Scouts: Make me a sandwich! (note: this is one of few acceptable contexts in which to tell a female to make you a sandwich)
Middle Tier
Lemonades | The most polarizing of the Girl Scouts cookies. You have your lovers, who will stock up on boxes to savor them long after Girl Scouts season (looking at you, SMG President) — and your haters, who think lemon should remain on the rim of a drink. Our own staff is divided, so we’ve thrown them in middle tier with the rest of the “acquired tastes.”
Savannah Smiles | Savannah Smiles, while coated in a deliciously tart powdered sugar, are a half-hearted attempt at southern comfort; we’d be smiling more if these lemon shortbread wedges weren’t so dry.
Dulce de Leche | Classic GS attempt to introduce diversity, but we don’t hate the initiative. According to the official Girl Scouts site, Dulce de Leches are “packed not only with milk caramel chips, but also with learning.” We don’t know what that means, but you go Girl Scouts.
Bottom Tier
-
- Trefoil
-
- Cranberry Citrus Crisps
-
- Chocolate Chip Shortbread
-
- Thank You Berry Munch
Any vanilla shortbread | Because let’s be real, only your grandma is buying Trefoils (and probably only for the logo).
Thanks-a-Lot | Thanks but not – if we wanted a chocolate dipped Trefoil we’d start by liking the Trefoil.
What do you think of our rankings? Tweet your own picks to @SlopeMedia with the hashtag #CookieRank and you may be featured in our next article.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
*DISCLAIMER: some Girl Scouts cookies go by two names (a word from the author)
The mystery unfolded one night as I tore into a box of Caramel de—wait a second. Aren’t these Samoas? I immediately went into crisis mode: Why the hell is there another name? And where is my homegirl in the equestrian helmet?
The design and contents of the impostor cookie box was proving too confusing for my tired mind, so I did some Googling to set things straight:
Girl Scouts cookies were originally produced by one company, ABC Bakers in Richmond, VA. When the cookies became so dang popular that the Girls needed an additional manufacturing facility, Little Brownie Bakers took the Scouts honor in ’73 and received their license to bake Girl Scouts official recipes. The problem: Little Brownie is owned by Keebler…Keebler the commercial cookie giant. With better names, packaging, and taste, we don’t know what kind of magic the Keebler elves are adding to the Girl Scouts cookies — but we like them better.
While Caramel deLites don’t intend to sound like a reduced-fat (“lite”) knockoff of the Samoa, they are the flavor equivalent of a low-cal store-brand version. #NotDeliteful
While both descriptions admit to using fake chocolate, it’s clear who’s using the darker, better quality stuff (hint: beware of scalloped edges). #GimmeSamoaDat
