Author: Catherine Giese
Scenario: You’re running late because, duh, it’s the morning. You may or may not have your earbuds in ear and your morning coffee in hand. As you’re hurrying to class, you see a familiar form approaching. Is that–? Yes, you definitely know that person. Should you greet them? Should you ignore them? Are they struggling as much as you are?
Stage 1
Wonder why they’re suddenly on your sidewalk. How dare they. Can’t they choose another route to use? Don’t they know that they only exist when you have class together in Goldwin Smith 147?
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Stage 2
Calm down and assess the situation. Did they see you? Can you reasonably deny recognizing them? Is there someone you can hide behind? If so, strategically angle yourself behind said person. If not, proceed to stage three.
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Stage 3
Consider whether or not you can pass far enough away from them such that being “distracted” is a plausible argument for your unfriendliness. If yes, consider the distractions available to you. Perhaps there is a really cool tree to examine or a dying grandmother to call. Maybe you need to answer a suddenly urgent email or text. It says “ACTION REQUIRED” in the subject line, after all. You can’t ignore that.
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Stage 4
Back-up plan in mind, contemplate your soul. How much bad karma will this cost you? You only talked to them three times last semester and it’s doubtful that they’ll even recognize you, so it can’t be that much. Plus, yesterday you let that guy cut you off without honking or yelling. It all evens out, right?
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Stage 5
If you decide that your karma can afford to take a hit, then implement one of the distractions outlined in stage three. If, however, your karma’s dipping into the negatives, then awkwardly make eye contact and smile. Extra points if you include a weird hand salute that was supposed to be a wave.
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Stage 6
Feel completely and utterly embarrassed at your own awkwardness. Think about how awful your face must have looked and how stiff your hand was. Continue to feel mortified. Replay this scene in your head for the next fifteen minutes and then once more right before you go to sleep.
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Stage 7
Breathe. You successfully handled a situation involving your fellow humans.
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