Author: Nicole Biton

 

The Squirrel

 

On the outside, the Ithacan squirrel seems like any other squirrel in the Northeast. Small, swift, and grey, these furry creatures scurry about, beginning their winter food storage rituals long before the first frost. But one distinct characteristic sets these creatures apart: Ithacan squirrels are aggressive AF. In possibly no other place in America will squirrels live so closely and confidently amidst humans. You might find them wrestling with one another or flying from tree to tree. More likely, you will find them watching you from atop a tree branch, perched in total stillness with a look of intimidation in their eye as if preparing to lunge at you at any moment.

 

The Chipmunk

 

While more elusive than the squirrel, the chipmunk holds one of the more prominent presences of the woodland creatures on campus. More often than not you will see them skittering across your path, a mere flash before they hide in a nearby bush. Like the squirrel, Cornell chipmunks are a friendlier breed, but they lack the antagonism of their long-tailed friends.

 

The Deer

 

Majestic yet powerful, the deer is one of Ithaca’s most noble creatures. Their domain holds no bounds: from Central Campus to Cayuga Heights, the deer assert their dominance far and wide. The deer tend not to harm unless provoked, so if you see one grazing on an open field or on your front lawn, be not alarmed. Unless it starts galloping in your direction. In that case, maybe you should be concerned.

 

The Frat Bro

 

Perhaps the most quizzical campus creature is the Frat Bro. His salmon shorts, backwards hat, and Sperrys unmistakably define him, as does his constant odor of Keystone. In the summer months, these bros can be found hanging out on balconies and roofs or play casual football on front lawns; in the colder months, the herd moves their drinking games inside. Their mating call is issued with a text: “Open party, come thru.” Go and watch as he shoots the perfect arc into the last remaining pong cup. Such talent, such grace.

 

The Athlete

 

The Cornell athlete rises before dawn for morning workouts, and spends their afternoons at practice. Though easily camouflaged, the Cornell athlete can be distinguished from its non-athletic counterparts by one simple feature: the green Gatorade water bottle. Watch as they sip from the orange caps, chin high and proud as if to say, “Why yes, I do lift.” Their autonomy over this feature, however, is being threatened as more and more students discover that literally anyone can buy one from the Cornell Store, Dick’s Sporting Goods, Amazon and basically every other sporting goods outlet. To avoid confusion, look out for embroidered backpacks, sweatshirts, or other team name-emblazoned garb worn to separate the imposters from the true jock species.

 

The Hotelie

 

One simply cannot compare the poise, elegance, and grace of a Hotelie. With their business casual attire and general appearance of being all-around put together, the Hotelie can easily be picked out from their counterparts in other schools and majors. Their manners are impeccable, their outfits always on point, and they can fold a napkin like their grade depends on it (because it does). Statler Library, their natural habitat, is a watering hole for only the hospitable well-dressed. Watch on Fridays as they migrate to the Statler Hotel, dressed to the nines in their requisite Formal Fridays attire. It is truly a sight that must be seen to be believed.

 

The Pre-Med

 

The pre-med Cornellian has only one natural habitat: the library. It is there that you can find them, double-fisting espresso as their bloodshot eyes pore over Orgo notes until the wee hours of the morning. Despite a sinister appearance, they are typically a gentle breed…unless they’re running on three hours of sleep and have just taken a prelim. In that case, you run. Run as fast as you can.

 

The Architect

 

Ah, the architect. One might as well call them a unicorn because they are the closest thing this campus has to mythical creatures. Many a man has tried and failed to find an architect on campus; their elusiveness is comparable only to the Lochness monster. Legend has it that these creatures walk only through the halls of the architecture building, but this has yet to be confirmed. Do architecture students actually exist here at Cornell? Only time will tell…