Yasmin’s Weekly Rant: GroupMe

Author: Yasmin Alameddine

As my dedicated (read: imaginary) readers know, I dislike most mainstream trends. These days, the group-messaging app “GroupMe” is all the rage – so naturally, I despise it. After using it for a few months, my doctor and I can safely say that my blood pressure has skyrocketed. Why, you ask? It’s like being back in middle school again: exclusivity, cliques, and passive aggression. Every time I use the dreaded app, I feel like I’m being transported back to the days of IM conversations, puberty, and uncomfortable orthodontia.

My hatred for this app stems from the following 6 reasons:

1. The Name Game –This is the first and hardest step of your GroupMe journey. Like I said, it’s back to our middle school days. Do you name your group based on your personality (“the sassy sistaz”)? Ok, sorry I’m back I just had to throw up a little. Or perhaps on your group’s quantitative value (“the seven”)? If you do that, I may have to volunteer you as Tribute #7 for the Hunger Games…Okay, how about being literal (“the roommates”)? See, nothing works. But don’t worry, I’ve heard the Cornell Math department is writing a complicated algorithm right now on serious vs. literal vs. punny vs. politically incorrect GroupMe names.

 

 

2. :emojis_dontmakesense: – As you probably already know, I get frustrated with Emoji selection. GroupMe is no exception. Why are all my emoji people blue? Also, why did you dress up the GroupMe icon with clothes and bows? Still, I think the best part are their names – please tell me none of you use :kissie_poundie:

 

3. “Pics or it Didn’t Happen” Principle – Because of GroupMe’s pervasivity, everyone has the app. And because everyone has the app, every single social group you’re in has now transitioned to the app. Your high school friends? Check. Your extended family? Check. Your organization’s eboard? Check. Your long lost second cousin’s cat twice removed and you? Probably. We’ve all had that nosy question: “Wait, how close are you guys – do you have a GroupMe?”  Like I said, GroupMe or it didn’t happen.

 

4. Notify me when GroupMe shuts down– You’ve all had the overwhelming feeling of checking your phone after your friends have attempted to make lunch plans – 943 notifications later, your battery is dead and you’re utterly confused. Heaven forbid you try to mute your GroupMe. Your friends will call you out faster than you can quote the heiress to the toaster strudel dynasty – “I can’t help that I’m so popular.”

 

5. Tear Drops on My Grey Hearts – GroupMe lets you like messages, which shows  up as grey hearts next to your text. To be honest, I am eternally plagued by these hearts (or lack thereof) and toss and turn every night thinking of them. If I make a comment, and my friend Sheryl makes a comment a second later, I can literally see how many people prefer Sheryl’s comment idea over mine. GroupMe even records the most popular messages in a section, so I can see how unloved I am summarized in a week (or month). Unpopularity and statistics? My two favorite things combined!

 

 

6. So many pictures, so little time– What do you choose as your icon? This is another conundrum that has kept me up at night. You don’t want to seem too serious by putting your Facebook profile picture, but you don’t want a crazy party picture, just in case you and your #SummerInterns make a GroupMe. As for the certain minority that uses the obnoxious solo shots they’re too embarrassed to post on Facebook, I see you.

 

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