Author: Yasmin Alameddine

This summer was filled with annoying trends, most of which came through social media. Girls on inflatable swans and pizza rafts in their pools floated through our Instagram feeds. Not-so-subtle internship brags, “I am just so #blessed to work at such a dynamic and amazing company, see you next year,” littered our Facebook pages. Poorly executed travel puns “Czech me out, laughing all the way to Prahaha” clogged our iPhone screens.

However, when Slope’s editor-in-chief asked me to write about a bad summer trend (read: I asked her because I missed ranting so much), social media, surprisingly, did not come up. What did, however, was my boiling distaste for the oh-so-beloved pop star Taylor Swift.

 

This naïve country bumpkin did not just annoy me when I was flipping through gossip magazines at the airport (a magazine is a print version of what you look through online, children. In case you all forgot). This size triple zero starlets’ presence permeated the newsroom I was working at this summer. One senior producer called out, “let’s get a story on Swift.” Another agreed, adding, “she is such an inspirational entrepreneur!” Cue muffled vomiting on my part.

I’m sure many of you are in tears or have already left this article to personally send me hate mail. “How dare you insult Queen Taylor! She’s like the Madonna of our generation.” Let me explain. As always, I have a list of  reasons Taylor Swift was highly overrated this summer.

Squad Goals: Taylor “I am so surprised I won another Grammy” Swift decided that dating famous stars was not glamorous enough so she created a “Squad.” Whether or not Taylor “stole” all these girls from Katy Perry is up to Perez Hilton and the powers that be at TMZ to decide – but either way, her ‘squad’ is preposterous. It harkens back to middle school when you and all your prepubescent tween girlfriends were so insecure you would cling on to the comfort of having a girl “group.” Seeing as Taylor is post-braces phase, she should really grow up. If she really were friends with these girls, she wouldn’t have to prove it with twenty Instagrams a day and a music video. Who, you ask, is in this fabricated squad? That is the most horrifying part. Taylor Swift’s press team -oh, sorry, I mean Taylor, herself – crafted a motley crew of celebrities from Victoria Secret angels like Gigi Hadid and Cara Delevigne to Kardashian spawn Kendall Jenner, even including showrunner Lena Dunham and tennis player Serena Williams. I’m sorry, Tay, do you need me to pick up all the names you dropped?

 

Swift bites Apple: “Apple Music cannot “shake off” Swift.” “Bad Blood between Apple and Swift.” I’m not sure how many punny news crawls I saw about this story. Probably because every news and entertainment show loved it. Here’s how it went:

Once upon a July month, Fairy Godmother Taylor Swift waved her magic wand and wrote an email to the evil Apple corporation. Evil Apple Corporation was so swayed by her wonderful diction that they promised not to rob the little indie music dwarves. In the end they lived happily ever after.

Why should I be bitter about this? Because it could not be more of a ridiculous fairy tale. Who did Taylor Swift email – “ceo@apple.com”? What was the subject line – “Don’t make me sad, Tim Cook L”? Whatever kind of publicity stunt Apple and Taylor Swift had was pretty transparent. If more people were using Apple Music, that was pretty harmless. However, painting Taylor Swift as a “entrepreneur” and “female business women” makes my feminist, all-girls school-mind scream. I am more than certain that Taylor was looking out for herself and her own image and not the indie music artists that were getting scammed.

 

The Cady Heron Complex: Like a dedicated communication student would, I decided to craft a theory about Taylor Swift. Like many things in my life, it’s based on Tina Fey’s staple for our generation, Mean Girls. Like Cady Heron’s naïve home-schooled background, Taylor Swift seemed to come from innocent origins, strumming to ‘Teardrops On My Guitar’ in crappy eye shadow, cowboy boots and a flowing white dress. Cady Heron was picked from new student anonymity by three mean girls; I can almost see a powerful record exec leaning over the boardroom table, echoing Regina George with a self-important “why don’t I know you?” Like Cady, Taylor grows more aesthetically pleasing and learns the lay of the land. In Taylor’s case this consists of cutting off those country curls, updating her wardrobe, dating fifty famous men, and make creating a squad. However, the greatest similarity I see between the two annoyingly naïve heroines comes in a scene towards the end of the movie: As Cady’s life begins to resemble the plastics more and more, Janis Ian screams at her out-of-control friend, “See, at least me and Regina George know we’re mean! You try to act so innocent like, “Oh, I use to live in Africa with all the little birdies, and the little monkeys…you are a mean girl!” I could not have said it better myself, Janis.

 

Until Taylor Swift fans stop squealing at her concerts, girls stop captioning pictures “Squad Goals” and adults stop whispering, “what an inspirational woman,” I will not stop in my fight to open everyone’s eyes to the reality that is Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift needs to stop acting so innocent. Taylor Swift needs to cut the BS. Taylor Swift is a mean girl. Okay, maybe not completely a mean girl, I’ve never met her. But she is calculated. She is relentless. And, let’s face it, she definitely looks like plastic.