In Defense of 90 Minute Movies

By Liam Butler

Included in Spring 2021 Magazine

The pandemic has had a massive impact on all of our lives. While some have chosen to take certain….risks with social distancing, many of us have bunkered down in our homes, sheltered from the public eye. This, naturally, led to an increase in binge-watching, whether it be 9 seasons of a TV show you’ve seen before, or 8 movies of that film series you’ve been dying to see. While home, we’ve had so much more time than we thought possible to consume all of these series we had put on the backburner for months.

You’d think that this would be the perfect time to try and tackle that 2 ½ hour movie everyone has been raving about. Except, that shouldn’t be the case at all. In fact, I would like to suggest a complete ban on any movie longer than 2 hours. Crazy, I know, but I think I can make a pretty good case.

First off, let’s take a look at some infamously long movies. I think a few benefit from the runtime: Lord of the Rings, Jeanne Dielman, even that last Avengers movie was somewhat bearable! However, these lonely few can’t absolve the crimes of their peers. I’ll just come out and say it: the recently released “Snyder Cut” of the much-maligned Justice League is no less than a war crime. 

My brother and I decided to take the plunge and watch it a couple weeks ago. The first 30 minutes or so had our attention, but I think we were just being polite. As soon as the action slowed down and the conversations began to drag on, we were out. I’m pretty sure he took about 3 separate naps during the entire film (that has to be a record!). As another sibling of mine put it, “this should have been the first scene of the movie,” …. at the 1 ½ hour mark. 

I know many baby boomers see complaints like this and immediately blame it on our generation’s lack of an attention span. Have you seen my TikTok screen time? I challenge you to focus on one app for 4 hours every day. 

Now let’s focus on some nice, beautiful, 90 minute films. Might I suggest A Quiet Place? This movie clocks in at one hour and forty minutes -- and that's with the credits included! Even if you don’t like horror, is having your eyes closed for an hour and a half so bad? You do it even longer when you sleep! Set aside 90 minutes with your friends, and you’ll be tucked in for your 10 PM bedtime. It’s a win-win.

Next up: Before Sunset. This might as well be a short film with how fast it blows by. While the film itself doesn’t linger, the emotional turmoil and agony you’ll feel after watching it is eternal. I love romance!

Finally, the cream of the crop, the golden child, the holy grail of 90-minute movies: Paddington. I can’t believe how much this movie is slept on: an hour and thirty-five minutes of pure ecstasy. You’ll finish this movie as a new person, and for the better. Do you know how many bathroom breaks you’ll need during Paddington? ZERO. The “Snyder Cut”? You might as well just bring your TV into the bathroom. 

Basically, I was tired of finishing my snack 1/4th of the way through a film, so I decided long films shouldn’t exist at all. And I’m confident you’ll feel the same now that I’ve made my case. Next time you leave the movie theater and it's still as light out as it was when you went in, just remember the evil directors who want you to pull all-nighters for their movies, and curse them silently as you fight with your parents about the political message of the movie during the ride home.