Yasmin’s Weekly Rant: Anne Hathaway > Jennifer Lawrence
Anne Hathaway > Jennifer Lawrence
No, all those middle school metaphors of “alligator is opening his mouth and eating the food to his right” did not lead you astray… You read that symbol correctly: Anne Hathaway is better than Jennifer Lawrence. It’s not an opinion. It’s a fact. You all are just not aware of this fact yet.You see, the world has recently taken a very, very unfortunate turn for the worse and this time we can’t put the blame on a prepubescent douchebag with side swept bangs, in a size triple 0 purple American apparel hoodie. Instead, we only have ourselves to blame.
I think I’m missing a gene that makes me like Jennifer “one-facial-expression” Lawrence. Or more plausibly, there must have been a toxic chemical leakage that lead to the world’s population losing a few (hundred) brain cells and somehow considering tolerating Jennifer “I have a bow and arrow fetish” Lawrence. Luckily, I was quarantined in my room probably rewatching Full House, playing the guess which Olsen twin is playing Michelle now game and, thankfully, I missed the toxic exposure.
Before I harp on Jennifer “more-overrated-than-thriftshop” Lawrence, I’d like to remind you all of the wonderful gems Anne Hathaway has given us:
You are forever banished from Genovia — She was, after all, Amelia Mignonette Thermopolis Renaldi PrinCESS of Genovia and as mere “trolley” people you should all respect your Princess. She gave you Julie Andrews being wild and free eating corn dogs and crashing a convertible. She started the whole writing on pizza with m&ms trend. She gave you your favorite chauffeur, the suave Joe (Joey? No Joe.). She gave you the best friend that always shut up and listened, Lily. She gave you that fleeting moment where you tried to get your foot to pop, when you had your first kiss. She gave you an alternate dream house from a fifty-room mansion, I mean sliding down a pole every morning to have breakfast? Yes, please. And WHAT have we given this angelic girl? HATRED, that’s what. You all should be ashamed of yourselves.
And while Anne was enriching our childhood with Princess Diaries, what was Jennifer Lawrence doing? She was doing what? Oh right, my mistake, her IMDB page doesn’t go back that far…
Miranda Priestly is pursing her lips in disgust – Your welcome, you ungrateful fools for yet another impossible-to-not-quote classic that you clearly don’t appreciate: The Devil Wears Prada. This movie taught us the value of the color cerulean, and how to drop it into daily conversation to sound much more fashionable than we are. It taught us that we could do the impossible (YOU try to get two copies of the newest Harry Potter edition). It taught us that skinny girls don’t have to win at everything; just kidding 2 is the new 4. It taught us to eat a cheese cube if you feel like fainting. It taught us that we don’t have to remember our friend’s names, we just have to hire an assistant to memorize them for us and whisper it into our ear right before we say hello. And finally, Anne taught us all how to leave a job, no matter how glamorous, with confidence and dignity (more than all of you can say).
And when Anne was ensuring us with a move that will permanently stay on the girls night in must-watch list, what was Jennifer “constantly-PMSing” Lawrence doing? Oh you don’t remember? Probably because she was playing the well-known “frantic girl” in the hit television show “Not another High School Show.” Doesn’t ring a bell? Well that’s surprising….
It would be way too easy to rant about Jennifer Lawrence’s weird mannerisms or her clear lack of acting versatility. Instead, I’d like to point out the reason why this horrible misconception has about within society: our inability to accept strong, hardworking, and capable women and our tendency to prefer demure, naïve types. (I can literally hear my teachers from my all-girls school wipe away tears of joy). But really, stay with me here, I promise I won’t go all granola feminism I-use-crystals-as-deodorant on you.
Because Anne Hathaway puts on a serious, put together, ambitious front she is seen as “too uptight” and “not approachable” really. But Jennifer “I’ve-been-trying-to-get-famous-since-14” Lawrence, on the other hand is more down to earth. It pains me to hear people say: “If I ever met her, we’d totally be best friends.” Would you really want to be friends with a chick who is scarily obsessed with her weight, insensitively calling her tomboy years “dikey” and claiming anyone who doesn’t possess curves is “not normal”? I’d hope not.
Worst of all, is this naïve façade she prances around in. She acts like she figuratively, sometimes literally, falls into good fortune. Her Disney princess like innocence suggests that no time or hard work is needed to become successful. And is that okay with the trillions of girls looking up to her? Of course it is! Because they will take her word for it and work just as little as she did! Whenever she gets a nomination, compliment or award (I refuse to say Oscar) she opens her doe eyes and blinks back at the audience “I really don’t know HOW this is all happening!” Me neither, Jenny, me neither.
If all else fails, and you still think Jennifer Lawrence is your destined BFF, just keep this one last quote of your soul mate in mind: “I’d never met a cat where you assume first it’s a boy. Because dogs are boys and cats are girls” (Ellen DeGeneres Interview, 2012) At least Anne Hathaway knows that cats can be boys, right Fat Louie?
